The “Why Me?” Stutterer

You’re standing inside your local bank, requesting to withdrawal from your account. Or you’re in class, and it’s your turn to participate in a group discussion. Maybe you’re talking to your family, or introducing yourself to someone new.  Either way, you eventually notice the sly presence of stutter-anticipation growing in your mind.  Your body tenses; your teeth feel foreign, and misplaced. You fight for control, but it’s inevitable: you stutter.  And even after the conversation is over, shame still weighs on your tongue. You can’t help but wonder: “Why me?”

I’ll answer this question— but stutterers, please bear with me. I learned this the hard way, and if I can spare anyone unnecessary grief, then I will.  This topic will be uncomfortable, but it’s something I wish someone had told me years ago.

So, you ask: “Why me?”

Individually, these words are completely harmless. But together, they’re dynamite… one fuse away from destroying your self-confidence. This may sound extreme, but stutterers, you have to stop asking this question.  Despite stuttering research and discoveries, there is no clear answer. You may never know why you have a speech impediment—but you do. If you’re an adult, then it’s already a part of who you are. Stop regretting things you can’t change.  Too many times have I agonized over my words—just to realize, finally, that no amount of anxiety will repair my speech. If anything, it’s quite the opposite. Self pity is neither healthy, nor helpful. The more I fret, the more I fear hearing my own voice… and the more I stutter.

This doesn’t mean you won’t have bad days. But what you do on those days will make all the difference.  Because every person is unique, I can’t offer you a universal resolution— but, I can give you three pieces of advice:

1.        Don’t keep your unhappiness to yourself. Like I’ve said before, the biggest lie stutterers concoct is: “I’m alone.” There is no truth to this, and when you feel downhearted, the worst thing you can do is keep it inside. There is someone that cares about you—a family member, a friend, a speech therapist… even me. We want to know what you’re feeling.  Acknowledging your stutter, as well as your feelings towards it, is such a sweet freedom.  It may be uncomfortable at first (for you, and for the Fluent you’re confiding in) but the more you speak about it, the less often you’ll feel the need to.  Fluents, my advice for you is simple: listen. We don’t expect you to have a cure, and we know it’s difficult for you to empathize. But sympathize, and when you’re not listening, encourage. (And please, don’t say any form of: “I understand… sometimes I stutter, too.” I know you mean well, but there really is a significant difference in occasionally speaking too quickly, and having a speech impediment.  Your comfort is wonderful— but, making your molehill disfluency into a mountain makes our speech impediment feel like its own continent)

2.       Allow yourself time to be sad. Don’t deny yourself grief. Stuttering is frustrating, dispiriting, and painful. Grieve, and do so deeply… then move on. Self-pity can control your life if you allow it to. Don’t let your stutter become bigger than you are.

3.       Let positivity in. It’s difficult to be positive after a day of stuttering, and putting yourself in an optimistic mindset is easier said than done. Sometimes, you’ll have to make a conscious effort to pull yourself out of a bad day. So, what can you do? Engage yourself in something you do well, or something you enjoy. Are you athletic? Go take a run. Are you great in the kitchen? Fire up the skillet. The more you emphasize your strengths, the less influence your stutter will have.     

If you sincerely make an effort, I promise your stutter will lose its sting. In the past, the smallest disfluency or acknowledgement of my stutter sent flames to my cheeks. The thoughts were consuming, and kept my mouth wound shut. I was convinced that not speaking could prevent what I was feeling, but I was wrong. The only emotion I prevented was happiness.   

That being said, let’s return to the crux of the matter. Stutterers, you ask, “Why me?”

Well… why not you?

Everyone has insecurities, everyone has imperfections—and while I recognize that stuttering is certainly a different type of insecurity (after all, stuttering has no cure, and no “fix”) you can’t hold this flaw superior over any other. Yes, it’s rare; yes, it’s unwarranted. But don’t give your stutter any more power than it already has. It already influences your mouth. Don’t let it manipulate your thoughts, or invade your heart.  You are a person who stutters. You are not just a stutterer. This does not, and should not, define you.

This is how I define myself. I am a daughter, sister, friend, coworker, supporter, laugher, lover, and writer… who happens to stutter. 

So, who are you?

-Rachel